Hill Billy BBQ and many photos of Henry Rollins

As I was scouring the internet...

                                                                                                                                I found this.

A really bad-ass movie still of Henry Rollins. I just had to find out what film this was, after a very small amount of research I found out that this still was from Wrong Turn 2: Dead End, and I just had to rent it. SO, Eaten Alive is on the back burner, and this is my experience with Wrong Turn 2.

Wrong turn is very obviously borrowing heavily from the Hills Have Eyes franchise, backwoods inbred cannibals preying on promiscuous young adults, and Henry Rollins in this case.

Who is someone you wouldn't really want to fuck with, even if you were an inbred cannibal. SO, this is my live-while-watching-the-film-blog.

- Some star complaining to her agent about shitty directions for the backwoods of West Virginia, is told by her agent that she, "Can't afford to take a wrong turn." AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

- She just ran over someone, some mutant, and he JSUT BIT HER FACE OFF, oh there's a guy with an axe, OH GOD SHE WAS JUST CUT IN HALF...vertically.

- Ooh Henry Rollins, okay he's playing a host of a reality show, he's an ex marine, a bunch of attractive people are being thrown into a post-apocalyptic survivor show.

- Some guy was wearing a "Battle Royale" shirt.

- "You're the producer pop-tart!" - Henry Rollins

- Some guy taking a piss just got scalped.

- So far there are the usual slasher film characters, The Rookie, The Expert, The Horny Goofball, The Anti-Society Solitary one, The Megalomaniac Director, The Slutty Girl, The Black Football Player and much much more.

- Henry Rollins was just knocked out by a cannibal, but only after dodging a fuck-ton of arrows and throwing a knife like 50 feet into some guy's torso.

- OH, the first bra has come off.

- The director is receiving head from the Slutty cast member, it's really too bad he didn't make "Mike from the room" faces, the best kind of blow job face.

"Me Underwears"

- I'm sorry I couldn't find the blow job shot from the room, that should suffice though.

- "PENDEJO".

- Anything in quotations is a line from the film, I will say when it's spoken by Henry.

- Henry just woke up in a mutant camp, he is hanging upside down, being intimidated by a deformed guy with a knife.

-  Someone just got axed in the head.

- Rolins is free, and he's battling a mutant.

- He just blew some guy away with a shotgun.

- Contestants have been unknowingly eating human flesh at a fire pit in the woods.

- "You so much as fart old man, and I'll kill you!" -Henry Rollins

- Some old guy with the best toothless accent ever is telling Rollins about the backstory of these woods.

- The old guy is the patriarch of the family, Rollins is laying down the law on him, just BLEW THE FUCK OUT OF THE OLD MAN with dynamite and spewed out some fitting one liner referencing the old timer's dead wife. "Say hello to the missus for me."

- Depraved backwoods sex scene with inbred hillbillies, trying to confuse the contestants of something because the female mutant is wearing a dead contestant skin mask, I dunno, really convoluted.

- Oh no atheletes bad shoulder is acting up, needs to be put back into place.

-Rollins is MacGivering dynamite, and going all arnie, just camouflaged his face and gave the Rollins stare.

- Oh yeah, a barrel of chemical waste labelled chemical waste with green leaking out of it. 

- Okay, every surviving contestant is being held captive, and it's all up to Henry Rollins to save them. I never thought I would say that, and I never though I would be able to see a movie this great.

- DYNAMITE ARROW HOLY SHIT

- "Oorah." -Henry Rollins

- Oh no, Rollins has been shot twice with arrows.

- "That's all you got bitch!" - Henry Rollins

- Okay, he's dead, and I'm sad.

- A mutant just got CGI wood chipped.

- Oh, toxic waste, seeping back into the environment, more mutations I guess.

Well, that raps up this incredible movie experience. I promise to put ties up in my next post.

TOBE LIKE GOB!!

Watched "Eaten Alive" by Tobe (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) Hooper. Hopefully Tobe is pronounced like GOB.

                          "Hey look,

                             a seagull!"

Made two years after the Massacre, Eaten Alive takes place in a decrepit hotel some Louisiana swamp. When a prostitute refuses to receive anal sex from Robert (Freddy Kruger) Englund, she gets thrown out on the street by the owner and with nowhere to go, plans on spending the night at the swamp hotel. However her plans are brutally fucking massacred when she meets the rapey owner of the hotel and is severely injured by a pitchfork thing during the ensuing attempted rape. The hotel owner then feeds her to the african crocodile living in the swamp. A family shows up to the hotel and has their dog eaten by the crocodile. The young daughter is traumatized by this, and the family rents a room and puts the daughter to bed. The lighting for the film becomes sex shop red, and the father starts to babble about how the wife is gouging his eyes out while he takes some prescription medication. The family of the murdered prostitute comes by the hotel looking for her, and all hell breaks loose. For the next hour the owner chases everyone around as they come and go form the hotel with what is honestly the worst weapon ever for a slasher film killer, like worse then a chainsaw. He caries this fucking monstrosity around,

trying to kill people but miserably failing. Honestly, it takes him like 45 minutes to attempt to kill a little girl. The scythe gives you no manoeuvrability, a machete is 100 times better, even Freddy's knife glove can do better than that. SO, at the small video store I am currently employed at we have some pretty cool shit, my next watch will be another film called Eaten Alive I have seen among the horror DVDs. This time it's an italian film from the 80s exploiting that cannibal tribe phenomenon that influenced films from that time. Also I should have some pictures of bitching ties up soon as I so far have failed to keep that end of the bargain up or something.

Is he choking, is he vomiting, is he choking on his own vomit?

SO, more italian horror. Hell of the Living Dead, made by some cat named Bruno Mattei, has a Goblin soundtrack ripped straight from Romero's Dawn of the Dead 1978 and some other film, has numerous extravagant titles that go along the lines of CREEPING FLESH EATERS, this film is fucking cool.

"I'm a tit man myself."

SO, HELL follows an italian SWAT team that is sent on a mission to New Guinea, the italian police have a world wide jurisdiction, to investigate a leak at a chemical plant that was supposedly working on feeding people in the third world (actually, the plant is making a virus that will wipe out most of the population of the third world somehow making it better for industrialized countries). THIS LEAK TURNED EVERYONE INTO RIDICULOUS LOOKING ZOMBIES (goodbye blackface, hello blueface). SO, this SWAT team runs into some journalist and cameraman who have been travelling with this family.

 THE FAMILY SCENARIO:

The husband goes on this "modern women" rant blaming his sons hideous wounds caused by "native lunatics" on his wife. SHE GETS GANKED BY A ZOMBIE MISSIONARY while she's out wandering around. The cameraman and journalist go off and flirt and the husband gets eaten by his son. The cameraman and journalist get rescued by the swat team and then starts this insane journey that involves zombies zombies zombies zombies naked natives, stock footage of animals (some of whom aren't even found in New Guinea) and an "eye popping ending"

Actual Screenshot

The title of this blog describes a scene when the cameraman sees the kid eating his fathers guts. The cameraman starts to retch, the most unconvincing retching ever, where he's holding his throat as if he was choking then after about a half a minute of that he couchs up the chunkiest looking vomit i've ever seen.

ON ANOTHER NOTE, Fantasia is in town and I have only been to one film which was actually pretty great. The Whisperer in the Darkness, based on an H.P. Lovecraft story this 1930s style film was packed with awesomely terrible CGI and really darkish funny moments. I am going to see Don't be Afraid of the Dark later on this week, a film produced and co-written by the consistently awesome Guillermo del Toro and hopefully I will get a chance to see Takashi (Ichi the Killer) Miike's film thirteen assassin's.

I just had to put this up.

Demons! GAH!

SO, summer for me has started and I plan on continuing a bad-ass tradition that was started last year. For the entire summer I will be watching old slasher films and Italian horror and stuff which is a pretty good summer, better than having job. SO, as a start to this bitching summer tradition I watched Demons a 1985 Italian horror film by Lamberto Bava, Mario Bava's son, the film was also presented by Dario Argento who is a pretty big name in this genre. Turns out Lamberto is Argento's protege and with his help made this bat-shit insane motion picture. "Demons" being bat-shit insane wasn't actually a big surprise, italian horror is known for its hilarious dubbing insane plot twists and crazier premises, it was also from the 80s where italian horror films payed even less attention to their plotlines and much more to their shocking gore and out of place foot fetish scenes.

They call him "Silver Toes"

There were no foot fetish scenes that took place in sketchy restaurant establishments ( Lucio Fulci's "The New York Ripper") but there were some pretty wicked mutilations and a poor man's Jensen Ackles.

  " I don't know how to explain it,

                        but it's the movie that's making this happen!"

                                                                         

SO, some chick gets two tickets from a poor man's phantom of the opera in the metro in West Berlin. She takes her friend to this sketch-as-fuck cinema that no one has ever heard of before, in there is a collection of crazy characters: some blind guy, poor man's Jensen Ackles and friend, Tony the Pimp, "Whores...you can tell them a mile away!" Frank and many many more. Also an employee at the theatre who seems to totally be evil and masterminding all the shenanigans that go down but ends up being as innocent as everyone else and is ganked...by demons. SO, one of Tony the Pimp(who totally looks like a mix between Ving Rhames and Billy Dee Williams complete with handlebar moustache and chops!)'s hookers sees this display in the lobby of the theatre of a mannequin riding a dirt bike wielding a katana and holding a sketch ass mask. She puts the mask on and cuts herself. OKAY SO THEY'RE ALL IN THE THEATRE! watching this film where a bunch of kids go to Nostradamus' tomb (WTF?) open his tomb and find a demon mask much like the one Rosmarie the ho put on (WTF?) one of the kids puts that shit on as well and gets cut. SO, Rosmarie goes to the bathroom and much like in the film her face explodes with puss and she becomes a demon, thus begins a night of horror where possesions spread through bites and sctratches.

                       "They won't get me,

                                               that's for sure."

Well, they did get Tony the Pimp and everyone else except the Jensen Ackles impersonator and the chick from the start who in some post credit ridiculousnessess becomes a Demon after the viewer has found out that civilization is gone and overrun by the demon virus and the two get picked up by survivors with an unreasonable amount of guns.

                                       

                                               Left to right: poor man's Ackles and Rosmarie

Thus ending a hilarious night of... ENCOUNTERS with thugs who spill COCAINE all over their car and one of them awkwardly collects some off of the BREAST of one of their female members with a RAZOR blade before cutting her, random helicopter CRASHING through the roof of the building, SHOW DOWN with poor man's phantom of the opera, and ACKLES impersonator on a dirtbike with KATANA vs. everyone else's posessed self.

SO, next up: my body horror film, the room and maybe a tie!